Archaeology for the Masses

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

depressing night

i went to sleep at 11
i woke up at 12:30 and then again at 1:30
the second time i didn't go back to sleep again

i'm very upset about something
i think it's my stalled acting thing
really though
i don't feel like that
i feel like i am going somewhere, slowly, but i'm the closest i've ever been with Candice
i think she'll help me a lot
but i dunno

i kinda don't feel like myself

my room is a mess and has been for a while
i think i'm waiting for my mother when she comes on the 19th(?)
she'll clean
it's horrible, but she'll clean for me

i'm watching a thing on red light districts
the south american whore who lives in amsterdam speaks three languages
yet another thing to make me feel good about myself

i used to be so full of confidence
i never had a negative thought about myself
i feel so fat and useless
and fat
i have to lose some weight

i took my measurements
36-31-36
if i could get that middle number down to 29, that would be awsome
i don't know how to do that though
i guess i'll figure it out come summer

i think all the walking and swimming this summer will make me trim
i hope

marilyn monroe may have been 35-22-35
she was a lot smaller than me though
apparently a size 12 dress though
that's big for such a little woman
i'm a 10 most of the time
i would be happy to get that middle number into the 20s
24 would be awsome but 7 inches can't be possible off my waist
i have to figure out how to lose inches
i've been focusing on weight
maybe that special K cereal diet
eric and i should start doing cocaine like we said
but damn the expense

apparently i am totally within the healthy range for my height
but i want to be under weight
i've always been under weight
that's how i'm comfortable
healthy feels fat
i could also be 15 pounds lighter and still be healthy weight
or 30 pounds heavier
the field is too wide
if i were 170 i'd be so disgusting
and yet, "healthy"
no, just slightly under weight is where i need to be
then maybe i'll be a little less down on myself
because i did feel better when i was thinner