Archaeology for the Masses

Friday, October 07, 2005

the truth about my birth

With all this talk of the Holmes/Cruise bast...uh, baby comes discussion of Scientologist Birth. Seems that good ol' L Ron, himself both male and drugged up felt that women should give birth without medication or noise of any kind.

It seems that this is very much the manor in which I came into the world. My mother, dirty hippie that she is, did not use any meds at all and ("you can ask your father") did not scream. Yeeouch. I've always felt like I could do the whole no meds thing (hell, women in India stand it pits and hold themselves up by hanging on to tree branches) but I guarantee it would be an obscenity laced 12-24 hours. Loud and obscenity laced.

Still, this is sick. Not only do they want complete silence from both parents and doctors (much easier for everyone in the room not actually pushing the child out of them) but they want the child to live in silence for their first few days. That's right. Don't talk to your child. L. Ron says it's bad. Although presumably Ronnie Jr. was born in this manor and he ended up offing himself.

My parents did talk to me after I was born (seems they liked me and were interested in having me know that they liked me) so it wasn't pure scientology. Could be worse, I could have been born in a pool of $5 bottle Kabalah water.

Tom Cruise claims that his first two children were born this way. The astute observer will recall that the kids he has with Nic are adopted (which brings up a whole new mess of questions in light of his impregnation of Katie, like why didn't Nic have their kids, not like she was working at the time) Adopted! As in "hey there 15 year old mother, would you mind not screaming or taking any meds while you give birth to the child I will then take away and raise in my wacky floating-cabal, malicious-alien, evil psychologist, volcano, religion?"

Run away catholic Katie. Run for your life. And give your baby to Brittany Spears (apparently an acceptable alternative to Kabalah water birth is scheduled C-section at Cedar Sinai) it may be raised white-trash (you know you don't have to be literate to practice Kabalah?) and raised in a celebrity cult, but at least it won't have to grow up with Tom Cruise as it's father.

PS Pray to L. Ron and the Sea Organization that you don't have post partem depression of any kind. Like any 13-year old girl or 60 year old woman knows, major hormone changes in short time spans can be a bitch. But hey, Brooke Shields wants to have another baby so maybe (if you ask nicely) she's share her anti-psychs.

I forgot to mention...

I got some "new" viewmasters the other day
I love it when men give me 3-D media
made my week like only viewmasters or a new pair of shoes can
not like gel pens or flavored lip gloss which can fix a day
i'm solid for the week

now if i only had a viewer...